I remember the comment my boss’s wife made in 1984 as she handed me the beautiful package containing our wedding gift. Uncertain that a twenty-three year old bride would use the solid brass candlesticks within, she qualified the gift saying, “I hope you’ll keep these until you appreciate them.” We haven’t held many fancy candlelight dinner parties, the type of occasions I suspect she had in mind, but I have appreciated and displayed the set in various ways throughout our marriage.
I added the crystal tops to use votive candles – pretty!
Our family is days away from celebrating the wedding of my brother’s second son and his wife-to-be. I have them and the many couples who will wed in June in mind as I collect some thoughts about marriage. While the newlyweds celebrate their special day, becoming husband and wife in the presence of family, friends, and God, they won’t likely be concerned about how they’ll relate to each other during the marriage. Excitement rules the day. It’s possible, though, that during the stressful days of the rehearsal, wedding, and honeymoon, some little disappointment or conflict may occur. With examples of both long-lasting and ended marriages around them, many brides and grooms may, as I did, wonder early in their marriage if “till death do us part” can happen.
My handsome fourteen-year-old brother walking me down the aisle.
I offer a few words of advice that can prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings, leading to more confidence and security in your marriage. Actually, let me share just one word – GOODWILL. If you read Thoughts Collected by Lisa, you may have expected two words, LOVE and RESPECT. I’ll get to those, but let’s first celebrate the GOODWILL that has led to your wedding day. You like each other and like doing things together. You have dreams about the future. You care about pleasing each other. Of all the people in the world, you’ve chosen each other and wouldn’t want to hurt one another. You’re friends who love each other.
You may be polar opposites, drawn together like magnets, or you may feel that you have everything in common, soulmates who are destined for happiness. Nevertheless, there will be moments when conflict comes and feelings flare. In those struggles, remembering that you have GOODWILL toward each other is almost magical. Remember that while you differ in opinions, you are allies who want things to work out well. If it is hard to believe that the person who is angry with you has GOODWILL toward you, follow the advice of Dr. Emerson Eggerichs of Love and Respect Ministries. Ask yourself whether the opposite is true. Does your spouse have bad or evil will toward you? Do they wake up planning to make your life miserable? Of course not. So why do things get so crazy?!
Are you ready to loosen that bow and see what’s inside?
My gift has been carefully chosen, like those brass candlesticks,
and I hope that you’ll keep it, use it, and share it with others.
Couples who have received it well into their marriage
have wished they had it sooner.
Couples including my husband and I.
Dave and I have received and achieved (not perfected) a level of mutual understanding of each other as man and wife. We have learned that when husbands and wives differ on something, the way they communicate will either lead to resolution or craziness, feelings of GOODWILL or hurt feelings. If her words, facial expressions, or body language come across in a way that feels disrespectful of who he is or how he thinks, he is likely to react in a negative way. When he does, his words and actions are likely to feel uncaring or unloving to her. She might then become more critical, which leads to more hostility from him. Two good-willed people end up in a shouting match or angry silence.
from Love & Respect Ministries
Happily, when the gift of understanding is taken out of the box and utilized, much of the craziness can be avoided. Don’t assume that your spouse is wrong in taking offense to your words or actions. Men and women have different emotional needs. Husbands and wives have the opportunity to meet each other’s needs. Instead, try to consider whether what you’re about to say or do could come across as unloving or disrespectful. Think before you speak and remember that your spouse has goodwill toward you.
As the apostle Paul told early Christians,
“Be devoted to one another in love.
Honor one another above yourselves.”
Read the blog and listen to the podcast about Love and Respect here.