Sometimes life feels like a series of ups and downs, good health followed by a malady, peaceful relationships preceding strife, success spoiled by failure, encouragement dissolving into discouragement. With hope, we can endure the lows by anticipating better days. I’m realizing that beyond hoping for a healing, a change in our situation, or a change in another person, we help ourselves by paying attention to the symptoms.
As I complete a second round of physical therapy for a lower back problem, I anticipate my therapist sending me off with the same instruction he gave at my first appoint, “Pat attention to your symptoms.” I’m feeling stronger now, having been proactive by exercising and resting as prescribed, doing the things I’m supposed to do, and by avoiding soft furniture, crossing my legs, and bending over, the things that can set me back.
Without the accountability of PT visits, I will need to pay attention to my symptoms, recognizing that it’s easy to slip into old habits and end up in pain again. When that happens, it’s time to go back to the self-help practices I’ve learned during these five months, having hope and confidence that they will work when I keep at them.
Giving up is not an option if there is to be a better future.
In a few days, I’ll take part in another Love & Respect Marriage Conference, hearing the same words taught by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs that I heard in 2013 and 2015. One of the most puzzling pieces of advice given is similar to “Pay attention to your symptoms.”
During the conference sessions, husbands are taught that when an issue arises in marriage, they can employ loving words and actions to gain respect from their wives. Likewise, a wife can be proactive during conflict by using respectful words and facial expressions toward her husband, meeting his need to feel respected.
First time hearers of these instructions may think, “I do that, but it doesn’t work. My spouse continues to lash out at me or shut down.” In reply, Dr. Eggerichs exhorts, “Pay attention. If you see the spirit of your spouse deflate, chances are she feels unloved or he feels disrespected.”
I asked my husband today if he understood that teaching in 2013, admitting that I had no idea what it would look like for his “spirit to deflate.” He confessed that he didn’t get it either.
It’s hard for me, when my back symptoms flair up in the dark of night to patiently practice my postures and avoid becoming a “hot mess.” Likewise, in the heat of an argument, it takes maturity to stop pressing our point and pay attention to how the other is feeling, especially when we did not intend to offend.
But the felt need is real. Women need to feel loved and men need to feel respected, especially during conflict. When they don’t, the spirit eventually deflates. There is a giving up. Learning what that looks or sounds like in your spouse, not judging them for it, instead considering whether your words, actions, or postures may be coming across as harsh or contemptuous – now those are proactive ways to keep things from getting crazy and to bring out the best in each other.
Giving up is not an option if there is to be a better future.
The symptom, the deflating spirit, is an important sign that an old habit is back. But, a mature person steps back, claims responsibility for his or her unloving or disrespectful behavior, and begins again to do what brings an end to the pain and strengthens the marriage.
You can still register for the Oct 19 & 20 Conference at East Richland Friends Church, St Clairsville, Ohio by clicking here.However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself,
and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33
(The photo of me with Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs was taken at a live Love & Respect in the Family conference Dave and I attended a couple of years ago.)