I’ve wanted to share some thoughts from Bethany Eicher ever since she gave me the opportunity to guest write for About My Father’s Business. Bethany and I met when she and her husband attended a Love & Respect Marriage Conference at our church. Sharing Christian faith and a passion for lasting, happy marriage, we sometimes write about similar topics, even though she is a Mennonite mother of five, married for 17 years, while I am part of an Evangelical Friends church with two sons and over 34 years of marriage.
As Bethany and her husband came to their 17th Wedding Anniversary, she decided to write 17 posts about 17 discoveries made in the context of their marriage. I was delighted to read the series and to learn of the fruitfulness of the Love & Respect message in her life. Realizing that I have been married for twice as long as she, I wished that I had learned the lessons in the first half of my own marriage.
Bethany has given her blessing to my sharing a few of her thoughts with you.
I’ve selected 7 of her 17 Things From 17 Years to excerpt,
believing you will appreciate her insight and humility as much as I do:
One of the things that has probably helped me the most is learning to believe that if my husband says something felt disrespectful, than it was. It’s easy to just argue “I didn’t mean it that way!” I probably didn’t. But that doesn’t change the fact that it felt that way to him. If I don’t acknowledge and believe how it felt to him, how am I ever going to learn his language?
Treating my husband with respect means learning what makes him feel respected, not doing what I think is respectful.
Around the time that I begged God to teach me how to respect, I kept a ‘respect journal’ for awhile. Every day I would write down anytime I was reminded to act respectfully and did it or anytime I did not act respectfully and realized it later. I think that exercise helped me a lot in gaining awareness of what respect really looks like to my husband…
We all like to be appreciated for what we do… Men aren’t any different.
Tell him. Tell him you appreciate how he goes to work day after day to make a living, tell him how you appreciate when he offers to help, tell him how you love to see him interacting with your children, tell him you appreciate how he hangs up his towel, tell him, tell him, tell him. Tell him how much you appreciated him doing the thing you asked him plainly to do. I know you secretly think if he really loved you, you wouldn’t have to ask. But you asked and he did it! He didn’t have to; express your appreciation.
You want to know something? A lot of men don’t want to do things for their wives because they feel like they can’t ever do enough; what’s the point? Translation: they don’t feel appreciated.
“I can do all that stuff for her and she’s not even going to appreciate it. She just expects me to do it because she thinks it’s what I should be doing.”
There is power in expressing appreciation. It means just as much to a man as it does to anyone else.
Tell him.
#9: My husband needs down time too.
…When I realized that my husband needs down time too and that sitting there, playing a game, was his way to relax and unwind after a long day, I became much more understanding. I stopped being bitter about my ‘competition’ and even discovered Chris loved to have me sit beside him while he relaxed. In fact, the more understanding and tolerant I am of his need for down time, the less he seems to need it.
Whether that is actually true may be debatable. Possibly it’s just my focus that makes all the difference. Then again, maybe he just enjoys spending time with a wife who’s not nagging.
#10: Giving my body to my husband means more than I will ever understand. (I’m trusting that you’ll follow the link to her post.)
…Interesting thing is, looking back on 17 years of marriage, I can plainly see where the most growth in our marriage has happened. You guessed it. It wasn’t when life was rolling along smoothly.
We’ve had some hard years. I hesitate to even say that. Compared to many other’s ‘hard’, the things I’m talking about are almost nothing at all. But to me they were difficult, to the point that it’s been hard to even look back at them sometimes. Part of that is wishing I could go back and do things differently; learn more quickly. But part of it is just plain not ever wanting to live through those things again.
And yet, sitting here looking back — letting the tears fill my eyes and remembering — I realize that those very experiences are where our marriage grew the most. If life had always rolled along smoothly, our roots would probably still be spindly little webs, reaching barely below the surface. As it is, our roots have stretched deep and become so intertwined and strong that even when the stresses and the issues come, there is a deep assurance that neither of us is going anywhere and that our commitment to God and each other will see us through.
#14: Standing behind my children’s father is one of the most important things I can ever do. (This may be my favorite one! Here’s the heart of it.)
If you want a happy home, if you want children who are respectful and obedient, you gotta stand behind the dad, mom. You just gotta.
#17: There is always something more to learn in marriage.
…But it’s ok to always be learning something more; that means God is at work. Let’s not despair and give up, we have an enemy that would like nothing better!
Mostly, I hope you know that I have not learned all of these things perfectly; that my marriage is a work in progress just like yours. I fail. I fail often. But —–
“…I am certain that God, who began the good work within [us], will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” Phil 1:6
